I promise I’m not going to write solely about the glories of pregnancy but a few little thoughts popped into my head this week as I progress from glide to waddle which may ring true for those of you starting this mum path for the first, second, third time or anyone considering the madness that is parenthood.
- After giving birth, your partner will deem you as some sort of superhuman and either be in total awe of your being or slightly afraid/mentally scarred by the front-row horror screening. This awesomeness has an expiry date of between 3-6 months, depending on how soft your other half is. By which point they start looking remotely disinterested when you’re reliving your birth tale for the umpteenth time to an unsuspecting stranger who merely asked the way to Sainsbury’s.
- Maternity clothes exist purely to make you look in a mirror and see a hippopotamus staring back at you. And a badly dressed hippopotamus at that. Clothes for pregnancy are unglamorous, dull and shapeless and perhaps designed by a monks to make you look the least appealing to anyone with a pulse.
- Second time around, all mystery of pregnancy has gone – I’m already feeling mum guilt at neglecting Miniest B. A colleague asked to look at our three month scan and I realised, after carrying around Mini B’s in my bag like a lucky totem and flashing it to poor, bored friends three years ago, this time around we cooed for a few seconds and filed it straight in the hospital folder at home.
- Ah the ‘pregnancy brain’ joys. I wondered if this was just a figment of my imagination from Mini B and a cunning tactic to excuse myself from lazy work hiccups. But no.. Something happens that is one level worse than ‘mum brain’ to make you lose all ability to carry out simple tasks without ballsing it up. I found myself walking down the road to work this week with an empty cardboard box in my hand and it took me a few seconds to realise I’d thrown my house & car keys in the recycling bin – which proved interesting in trying to reclaim them from the bottom of a wheelie bin the same height as me.
- Long live the ‘Baby on Board’ badge. Yes, I feel a bit of a numbnut wearing it but I’d forgotten it’s power in winning me a seat on those stinky morning commutes into Central London. Everyone is so engrossed in their phone screens that you could be practically giving birth and they wouldn’t bother to glance up but the good old white badge seems to emit a sensor to grab people’s attention. Not all of them mind you..