I’m a weird hybrid of a girly-girl.
I love anything sparkly – stick a piece of glitter on a dustbin and I want it.
I have several floral duvets and copious Cath Kidston purchases.
I cannot stand to participate in or watch any kind of sport because it’s so bloody boring (aside from Formula One, which is another post entirely).
I am lost without hand cream.
And yet I am missing many of the vital feminine pastimes…
I hate shopping.
Love Actually is a crime against film.
Shoes are not exciting.
I have my hair cut so infrequently that my loyalty card has four entries on it, spanning three years.
And then there’s make-up...oooh..it's a whole world of mystery and intrigue to me. Walking into a cosmetics department is like being confronted with an IKEA flatpack with instructions in Japanese – where the heck do I start?
In my ‘make-up’ bag I own a pair of ancient eyelash curlers that I can’t live without as I only have circa 5 lashes on each eye, a concealer stick, a battered tin of Vaseline and some scraggly old hair bobbles. There are more items in my emergency food drawer at work than I have dedicated to making me look decent and all because I think I look like an 8 year old let loose at her mum's dressing table when I attempt anything more daring than mascara.
I have, however, recently ventured into the world of blusher after paying someone in Harrods to transform my eyes into a smoke-fest for our wedding anniversary overnighter in December. On her recommendation, I bought Orgasm by Nars, which apparently suits "everyone".
The day I started wearing it, two people in my office came over to me and said I looked, “a bit hot”, (and not the sexy kind of hot, the sweaty kind) – I scuttled off mumbling that it was in fact my new blusher, blushing-on-blusher cheeks burning beetroot 'Orgasm' colour.
This, readers, is why I should not be let loose with cosmetic equipment without adult supervision.
But help is at hand in the form of Beauty Call - make-up superheros! I first happened upon them when I got married, ahem, the first time in 2006 (another post readers, another post..) and the marvellous Nicky had only just founded the company. Their huddle of trained make-up artists provide hair and make-up services for weddings, hen do's or any special do that you deem worthy of a glamorous makeover - and what started as a team of five has now grown to 275 artists transforming ladies all over the UK.
The beauty, pardon the pun, of Beauty Call is that they come to you - you can sit there in your stolen hotel dressing gown watching Hollyoaks if you so wish whilst one of their trained make-up artists works their magic in the comfort of your own home.
With my birthday on the horizon, I decided to reprise my party days of yesteryear B.C (Before Child) and summon Beauty Call to help overhaul my weary parent facade with the simple remit, "make me look like Marion Coutillard". Because you can do that with make-up right?...!
It's wise to have a few photies on hand to give the make-up artist a steer if you want to go 'subtle stunner' or 'Big Fat Gypsy tangoed'. Sam, my make-up artist extraordinaire was brilliant, she understood my make-up style straight away and didn't freak out when I relayed my usual garble to not go anywhere near my face with foundation. Yes, I know my skin tone would look a heck less blotchy etc but I feel like I'm suffocating under a faceful of concrete so it's only ever eye make-up for me, ta.
The end result was just what I'd envisaged (Marion C in my head, we can but dream) - instantly transforming me into birthday party mood. Now.. if only I had enough cash stashed to speed-dial Sam at a whim so I could look passable more than once a year!..
Hair or make-up only - £50
Make-up image © relax.mx